Off The Plate – An open letter to companies that still use flat head screws

Dear company that still uses flat head screws,

What the hell is your problem? Flat head, or “slot” head screws if you’re an elitist, became obsolete nearly 80 years ago when US Patent #2,046,343 started the screw head revolution. Now, I don’t have a degree from Screw University, but I have done my share of house projects and there are few things more frustrating than dealing with flat head screws (crappy directions being chief among those).

You can’t just notch your screwdriver and screw to your hearts content. No, that would be too convenient. Instead, let’s slip out of the groove on a regular basis and turn a two hour minute project into a… two hour and five minute project. It’s not just the increased time, it’s the annoyance of having to deal with obsolete technology.

What are the reasons you would include flat head screws in the ridiculously complex “some assembly required” piece of particle board crap that I bought at Walmart? Are they less expensive to produce? I wouldn’t think so since they actually take MORE metal than a Philips head screw. So what is the reason?

I have three theories.

First, it’s a Capitalist conspiracy to remind us how much Communism sucks. Think about it. If Communism, Socialism, Fascism, or other oppressive governmental models got their way, there would only be flat head screws. Why? No incentive to innovate because of idea crushing public policy (Socialism & Communism) or prevented from going to market by a government endorsed monopoly (Fascism). In those societies only the people get screwed, and it’ll be with as modern a screw as existed when they came into power. The Capitalists want to remind us how much things could suck. Probably the same reason why you can still buy tube TVs that people don’t like.

Let me be clear, I don’t have an issue with companies that make flat head screws. I’m a Capitalist. If someone’s dumb enough to want them, someone’s got a right to produce them. I have a problem with the idiots that actually want them.

Second, evolutionary proof. One of the funnier arguments against evolution is that if we evolved from apes, why are they still around? Seriously? So, parents die when they give birth to their kids? Creatures are a product of their environment and their ability to genetically adapt to it. That’s why there is so much diversity in the animal kingdom across different continents (yes, even with us humans… you just need to get your head out of your PC ass to admit it).

Anyway, maybe Evolutionists plan on using screws to explain evolution but can’t let flat head screws fall out of circulation before they launch their master plan.

Third, it’s the Amish. I thought about looking around the glorious internet for the answer, but I thought putting “Amish” and “Screw” in a search engine might produce chilling results.

All that being said, please stop putting flat head screws in anything that requires assembly, or at least put a contents label on the packaging so I can make an informed decision. If you continue to ignore my requests, I’ll go the Socialist route and appeal the government to put a warning label on the packaging. Or ban them all together.